People Watching… Part 1

Last night, I took the doggie out for a walk. We ended up on the main road here in town where there is a bit of commerce in the form of restaurants and small shops. At this time of night, namely after 11 p.m., most things are closed. There is an all night chain pharmacy and a pizzeria, which are not near each other, and then down the street in either direction, there are a series of pubs, which I imagine are known for their beer selections. None the less it is generally quiet around this time.

However, consistently, every time I am in that area around that time, there are a few packs of obviously intoxicated people, trekking their way back to wherever it is they are going, from wherever it is that had just come from. This night was no exception, except the humorous packs this time were in most cases, individuals.

The doggie and I found a bench which is nestled between a bank and that pharmacy. It is under a tree and it was breezy last night, so it was perfect for just chillin. After about two minutes, this amazingly skinny, middle-aged white man comes stumbling down the street. At first I thought there was something physically challenged about him with the way he was all over the place, but then he made this face towards the air with some mumbled words, that allowed me to question his mental position at that moment. He tripped a bit and made some gesture with his hand as to question himself as to how he could be so clumsy as to trip over his own self. He started mumbling something in disbelief and then stopped at a street pole just a few feet away.

He placed one hand on the pole and the other forearm over and across his forehead. It was there that he stayed for about ten minutes. Eventually he removed himself from the pole, and tripped and started to drift away. Shortly thereafter, his replacement showed up.

This guy was a bit stocky, a bit younger, maybe early thirties, a t shirt and shorts, with tats all over his legs. He wore a baseball cap of some sort and seemed kind of like a tough punk type cat. He was intelligent looking with glasses and was having a rather upsetting conversation with himself as he too mumbled something in disgust and made some hand gesture to confirm his disbelief.

Now I have become someone who has started to make conversation with himself from time to time, and occasionally, I have some harsh words towards my inner self in the process in an outward form of expression; but I started to worry last night if I too looked like one of these folks when on occasion I spout something out in disgust towards some inner thought or conversation I may have been engaged in. Where it made me self-concious for a minute, It also made me feel comfortable in the fact that other people do that, even if they look the fool. There is comfort in similarity!

Anyway, the next few minutes featured groups of intoxicated people laughing and shouting whatever it is they were shouting about. Several groups were speaking in languages unfamiliar to my dialect. Others were obviously young college kids, inexperienced in drunk noise level control. I had two thoughts when watching the drunk college kids. “what a bunch of losers…” and “oh how I miss those days!” But in hindsight, I’m thinkin, who’s the real loser in that crowd, the drunks having a good time and making a little bit of fools of themselves, or the early thirties college dropout sitting on a bench with his dog nearing midnight on a Friday night watching a bunch of people have a good time and not caring about what they may look like? Perhaps we were all losers at that moment in time. Once again, perhaps comfort in similarity…

The next phase of people were random and featured a guy on his cell phone, a couple of fairly attractive young women getting in to a cab, and a Chinese man, lugging cases of soda on a hand truck up the street and then returning a few moments later with a hand truck and empty soda crates.

After some time, I felt it getting time to return. The doggie agreed. We got up and walked to one corner, where surprisingly enough, the ta-too punk guy was hailing a cab, and still looked frustrated. He hailed a cab which made a quick u turn and picked him up. We made a u-turn and headed back to the house.

Feeling good about our people watching experience, and our escape to the outside for a little while, we turned the corner and headed towards the house. Curiosity got the better of the doggie however, when she sniffed in a fence, and got maced by a skunk (see previous post.) On the way back, she frothed at the mouth and was swaying and kind of freakin out. She tugged and pulled towards the house, while I spoke with her to comfort her much of the way. I can only imagine the people watcher’s thoughts on this street noticing the loner and his frothing dog sprinting towards their destination. The watcher becomes the watched.

Night Owl gets the Early Bird…

Awaking early versus late has a significant impact on one’s day. I was just staring at someone’s home page on their blog and it offered a nice scenic glimpse of a bridge goin over a river in what looks like a park with grass and trees. The area is engulfed in a thick, yet not too thick you can’t see, fog. Its beautiful and its generally something you can only witness early in the day.

As I looked at the photo at this website, I wondered what it must be like for birds who are required according to human work definition to get up early and “get the worm.” (do birds in Mexico arise early to get the worm from tequila bottles…?) I wondered if birds realized the significance in the difference between that part of the day and let’s say a few hours later. I feel that they must awake early because nature directs them to, but if they had the choice like some lazy humans do, to arise later than expected and catch a different part of the day first, would they realize at some point, the beauty they have been missing as I did today?

www.annapodris.com

I have for the most part been a night owl, preferring late night hours versus arising at 6 a.m. only to have coffee and venture to a 9-5. I have worked overnight hours several times and have found my work to be more productive… and when I went to school, I always arose late for class… and when I went to class in college, I always performed better in later classes than those 7 a.m. lectures.

Night hours have always seemed special to me and more fitting. Maybe its because there’s less activity going on. Or maybe cause there’s less people around. Or maybe because its less sunny and therefore generally cooler than the daytime heat. Or maybe it has to do with energy and that there’s less chaotic energy in the air to disrupt my overly sensitive senses.

But lately, being unemployed, I find myself awaking around 7 and going to bed around 11. Its a weird sensation waking up early and I have grown to like it. I feel like I am more part of the real world, even though I am not working. I feel as if I am doing what is correct by nature. And when I do get up early, I go outside with the doggie and admire the way the day is at that time. If I was still enjoying cigars and coffee, you can be sure I would have one or both of those things during these moments. The weird thing is that I am not even tired anymore at 7.am. I do get tired around 9 for some reason, but at 7, where I used to be groggy, its as if I was supposed to be up and I don’t even need any stimulants to make me feel more awake as most people seem to require. If I was working, this feeling would be ideal.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my appreciation for the a.m. with you. I wonder if there other night owls who have gone through the same thing… you know a transfer from a night owl to an early bird. Is it part of getting older? Is it part of my constant urge to eat? Is it my subconscious trying to kick my lazy conscience in to gear and get me motivated? Is it just my senses connecting to the part of the day that just seems to glisten with natural beauty? Not sure, but its nearing 9, and I must get in a nap…

owl photo borrowed from www.annapodris.com

SELF-DIAGNOSIS: Vitamin B-12 deficiency + caffeine withdrawal = vegan fun

So I was gonna go out tonight to see a free concert. In fact there were two free shows going on. One was classical music, and the other was world music. Both seemed like decent, free, outdoor events to venture out to during a time when my finances are very tight and my mind is in need of a diversion from reality.

Problem is, that to get to both of these events, requires a great deal of biking… several miles. I normally don’t mind biking, but if you had read my previous post you would know that one of the bikes I am using, broke yesterday after an extremely long and exhausting bike ride that was somewhat rewarding, yet quite disappointing overall. I enjoy biking, but I have been doing so much of it lately, that to do it tonight for recreation, and to take a chance that my other bike would fall out of wack as well, just doesn’t seem to be the proper choice, especially since I am going to need a bike once I locate work. .

so instead of going out, I am gonna stay in and write what is on my mind.

Vitamin b12… that’s right. I have been a vegetarian for over ten years now, but over the last couple of years, I have made several attempts at this vegan thing, and it has failed ALL times. Being a lover of cheese, and being a lover of knowledge, I have found out that many if not most cheese contains some sort of non-vegetarian animal product and the labeling can often be so vague as to cause a confused mind like myself to really question the very essence of something so simple like cheese.

So when I moved to this area for the summer, the first thing I had was a cheese pizza… the next day I decided to try the vegan thing out, and I have had really poor results. Since I bike so much, I burn off more calories, and therefore I assume that I burn off more nutrients as well, especially those stored away from when I ate cheese as much as a squirrel eats nuts. So over the past week, I have become less energetic, my mind has become distraught with anxiety (which is odd because I am a very easy going, everything is gonna be alright kind of guy,) and I have had tingling and numbness in my body.

I began to research this whole thing and all roads lead to a Vitamin b12 deficiency. I have never been a fan of supplements and as a part-time skeptic about reports, I have never really taken the word of these ‘experts’ very seriously. However, all of the symptoms I have resemble those described in the reports; the dizziness, the numbness and tingles, the loss of weight, the feeling tired, and anxiety. All of those symptoms exist, and all of those match what the ‘experts’ call a vitamin b-12 deficiency. All of the symptoms match except the swollen tounge thing and the appetite thing. All of those reports claim that your appetite decrease as a result of a b12 deficiency, but in my case, I am simply hungry ALL OF THE TIME. Now when I say all of the time, I mean nearly ALL OF THE TIME. So then I started to think that maybe perhaps its not the b12 that’s causing these symptoms. MAYBE THESE SO-CALLED ‘EXPERTS’ HAVE IT WRONG?

Today, I bought a carton of organic milk and some fortified cereals to test out their theory. I ate the shit out of them and combined it with ample amounts of fruit and nuts. I felt pretty fulfilled and mentally, I felt better about things (even if it was just a result of being proud of myself for taking the step.) I matched what was recommended for an intake of b12, and several other vitamins. Unfortunately for me, however, the symptoms didn’t just disappear. I was extremely tired afterwards and fought the urge to sleep. Eventually the nap took over my world, and when I awoke 20 minutes later, I felt anxious and nervous again as if nothing had changed.

Yes I know its not just gonna disappear, and yes I am aware that I didn’t really get enough of this b12 to make such a quick change, but it was a discouraging moment. Normally I would just brush it off and say, “well it just takes time, ” but because of these symptoms, it seems more difficult to do this. On top of my vegan participation, I have given up on many other things going into my internals. Namely coffee and caffeinated tea along with any intoxicants that might have occasionally altered my senses. Now this could also be affecting my world and may be causing my virtually non-stop craving for food. That is why I have a new theory about my conditions…

It seems that all signs lead to a b12 deficiency, as much of a skeptic as I am, this many web reports that I have researched can’t be so far off-base, can they? In addition to my b12 symptoms, there seems to be a withdrawal from the lack of caffeine from coffee and tea, and perhaps a withdrawal from the nicotene that resided in my occasional bundle of cigars. On top of that, there may be a small withdrawal from the other sources of things that have stopped going in my world(from when I partied a bit.) It seems to me that my body is trying to compromise for the lack of stimulants by having me eat as much as possible… a scenario I have also read about on the interweb.

So you have the b12 causing tingling and numbness, fatigue, and anxiety. Then you have the combined withdrawals from the lack of stimulants causing me to crave food as a substitute for caffeine and sugar and ‘other’ things. A deficiency and a withdrawal simultaneously is not a comfortable feeling. Add on top of that a desire to work with no results, and a craving to constantly eat with no money, AND YOU HAVE ONE STRANGE SITUATION. This is my self-diagnosis. Its no wonder, that I am here, tonight, writing on this computer instead of biking miles to enjoy a free concert.

SELF DIAGNOSIS: B12 DEFICIENCY, CAFFEINE WITHDRAWAL, AND WITHDRAWALS FROM THOSE GOOD TIMES.

PERSONAL SOLUTION: EAT PROPERLY, ADD MORE FRUIT TO MEALS, DON’T SLEEP RIGHT AFTER EATING.

ALTERNATE/TEMP SOLUTION: TRY TO LAUGH AND WRITE IN A BLOG!!!

HERE IS A list of some websites that have provided me with some of the info that allowed me to self-diagnose what I have. Whereas I am not suggesting that anyone follow the solutions suggested at these sites, I am passing along information that I found interesting. Do with it what you like, I am not a doctor, I am merely a bored blogger who is sharing info that helped me to possibly understand what is going on with my system.

vitamin b12 link 1

vitamin b12 link 2

vitamin b12/vegan link 3

If you read this and have other suggested websites or articles, please let me know. If there are additional comments you’d like to make about my own personal diagnosis or if you want to share a similar situation, please post a comment or email me.

** <side> note– I believe that it is not the vegan diet that has caused my symptoms, but my lack of following the guidelines for becoming vegan. Besides my poor attempts at eating vegan properly, I have not eaten well over the last few months, I was doing outdoor labor in the hot sun for a couple of years, and I bike as transportation. I HAD NO REAL ISSUES WITH BEING A VEGETARIAN UNTIL I GAVE UP CHEESE, STARTED DRINKING COFFEE AND TEA AND SOY MILK more frequently, AND BEGAN TO BIKE MORE THAN EVER. THIS I BLAME FOR MY health PROBLEMS, NOT THE VEGAN EATING.

“Rest is Rust”…

… REST IS RUST… I just read that quote in in a weblog a few moments ago and I found it to be quite relevant to a thought I was having earlier. It involved the art of doing nothing: the procrastination of destination. I for one have my masters degree in this field of study.

But the problem I am having with this theory is that sometimes, after I rest for a while, and my mind begins to wander off somewhere, and I finally emerge from that rust with a new sensation and a new drive, something seems to go wrong. Today, for example, I got up off of my arse and biked several miles and tried this out this place for a fruit and a smoothie. The smoothie was mysteriously good as I am not quite sure what was in it (the color was orange but the taste was not.) The banana was about average. Now keep in mind, I am unemployed and looking for work, but today I decided I just wanted to set my mind free and if I happen to stop in a place that was hiring, I would ask for work. Not a bad goal, nor an unproductive one, its just that I have been spending so much time focussed on the work thing, that I haven’t enjoyed the moments that have been there to be enjoyed as much as they should be.

Now after the smoothie, I biked another few miles over to this area where I had applied for work at a retail shop. I went inside and spoke with a guy who had encouraged me to apply in the first place and he said he would check on it and have some one call me. Ok., so I made the effort there and for what its worth, I don’t want to work in retail, but I need work and I am or was at one time, an excellent customer service guy. So for me to even put in the effort twice in this place is to say the least, and accomplishment for me!

Anyway, from there, I went and had a nice vegan spring roll set for lunch which was more than delightful. It actually cheered me up and made me feel like everything was gonna be o.k. and everything was ok for a while.

I biked several miles back to the neighborhood I am staying in, and I was feeling almost good when suddenly, my bike locked up on me… just froze. I pulled off to the side to find that the wheel, for some reason I have never seen on a bike, was frozen… hmm, just when I am feeling good… just when I washed off that rust, it rains again…

So I came home, and rusted again for a while. I was feeling shitty because I made an effort… just like last week when I made an effort to bike several miles to go see a free play, only to get a flat tire half way there. I walked the rest of the way only to arrive 40 minutes after it should have started, only to find out that the show was actually scheduled wrong and had taken place earlier in the day. So I ended up walking the rest of the way back to the neighborhood I am staying in, which was many miles and a couple of hours worth of walking. More rain, more rust.

So after these things happen, I have a tendency to fall back into the rest zone and contemplate the meaning of things and the odds of chance. And I begin to rust, and then I do nothing for a while, and then I get the motivation, and then I make an attempt at success, and then it rains again. It just seems to be the same cycle over and over again; the same challenge to get back up and seek what I am supposed to seek and succeed at whatever success I am supposed to attain.

Tonight, I accepted the challenge and went right back out, without the bike of course, and strolled over to yet another place I hadn’t tried yet and had a wonderful pastry and some tea and I felt ok again. I came back to the computer, looked for some more work and then happened to read the article that the title of this writing was taken from. And in reading this article which was about how attempting to achieve success is the best and how to rest is to rust, I have to agree… to a point… and then I have to wonder; wonder if it is at all possible that success for most people is going out and doing and accomplishing the things they are “supposed” to do … and if others are supposed to fail at the things they are “supposed” to fail at, and then succeed by rusting and then writing about it?

Write?